Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Why this man?
Well, the obvious one first: I love him. I am in love with him. I love being around him. But love can be a tricky thing. Plenty of people stay in bad relationships, abusive relationships because they love their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. So while I think that you must love someone to get married, I also think that you must have something else besides that love to back it up. So here they are:
He treats me well. Better than I think I deserve sometimes. (Just my insecurities talking, never mind it) The normal stuff, like he respects me and my ideas. He is a good listener and a good friend. He is considerate of my feelings. He is thoughtful. Cute things like giving me the same amount of food on my plate as on his because he doesn't want me to have the inferior plate of food, even though he is much bigger person that needs a higher caloric intake. This is the most important thing to factor that should be present before you marry someone. If you marry someone that does not treat you well, you are not being kind to yourself.
I trust L implicitly. My parents divorced very early on in L and I's relationship, and I think that it actually made our relationship stronger because I took it very seriously. The first thing that attracted me to him when we were first dating was his almost old fashioned sense of honor, not as a means to an end, but as a personal code that one holds themselves to. I honestly can't imagine marry anyone else because I can't imagine trusting anyone much as him. It will be what I hold on to when things get rough as they inevitably do. Because no matter what else is going on, no matter how we squabble, have money problems, depression problems, family problems, job problems, I trust that he will do the honorable thing. He won't fuck off and leave me high and dry.
I want my children to grow up to be just like him. WEll, just like him, except with a smaller head...because I'll have to push those kids out! I think he will be a wonderful father, and I look forward to the time when we are both ready to embark on that stage of our lives.
L is fun to be around. He doesn't take life too seriously. We both like camping, and running and watching geeky tv shows.
We compliment each other well. He's great cook, but not so hot at the cleaning part, and while I think that shake and bake chicken is gourmet, I actually clean the apartment. I'm good with not spending larger amounts of money when I shouldn't, but I nickel and dime myself to death, where as L know how to make $50 last a week. I am fairly good at communication, which come in handy during cranky times, and L know how to just listen when I go on PMS fueled rants.
I had to think about this for a while. L and I have been dating for 5 years and living together for the past four. We are getting married during the year between my finishing school and him starting a two year degree. Let's just say that money is tight. We've definately had to cut somethings that we'd like because they were too expensive (oh, my Costa Rica honeymoon, how I mourn you) and I do lay awake fretting about paying the bills once L is in school, so why are we doing this now instead of in let's say 2 years?
First of all, I feel like the time is right NOW. 3 years ago when I first wanted to be engaged would have been very exciting, but I wouldn't have been as confident in the two of us, as thoughtful and present in my decision.
My mom says that if you wait until you have enough money to have children, you never will. I'm thinking this applies to marriage too. It means that we can't go all out, but that's okay.
I feel like we've are already married because we live together as a married couple does. We enjoy the good times, support each other during the bad times, pay the bills, chase the cats around the apartment, etc. I'm sure that we will feel somewhat different after we are married, and yet also largely the same. I feel like our marital status does not match how we feel about each other.
We want to have children together someday. That day is not today :) but not that far off either. I'd like to take one thing at a time. I'd like to enjoy being married for a while before kids enter the picture. So in the general time line, now is right on target.
This is the part that was slowest in coming to me. I read on another weddingbee blog someone asking why get married and spend all that money if you feel like you are already married. For me, this answer is all tied up in divorce. Marriage is a lot of work. It is about love, and loyalty and romance, but it is also about forgiving and asking forgiveness, about swallowing that "you never do BLANK," and replacing it with a "can you please do BLANK?", about pulling tight and not pushing away when life gets tough. Entering into a marriage is dilibrate. I am saying that I will do all these things. I am saying that I will try to be a better person, and show L my best, not my worse. I will acknowledge the fact that life's surprises are not always happy, and that I may momentarily resent him, detest him, feel ambivilant towards him, but I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I will get up infront of all of the people that matter most to me and they will hear me say these words.
A relationship is often not delibrate. People end up together and stay together out of a multitude of reasons. I want to move out of chance and into deliberate. Maybe some people can have that without being married, but I want that daily reminder that I didn't just end up with L. I will choose him over all others, and I will choose to work at our marriage, never let it wither or stagnate or grow unrecognisable.
Monday, December 1, 2008
On each page I'm going to draw on a squares where the picture will go and lines beside it for people to write on. And I'm a big sucker for those old fashioned triangles that hold pictures in place. I'm not a real big do-it-yourselfer. This is about the size of project that I can manage.
I hope that people don't feel bombarded with pictures. I love pictures and I can't get enough of them. We are going to have pictures as part of our table numbers, on a home made card everyone is going to get at the table, and we are probably having a slide show as well. Is this too much?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The problem? It was expensive. L and I live on quite a modest budget because we've been in school for years. The ring cost over 30 % of his ANNUAL earnings. He worked a second job for year to save up for it, and it makes me feel guilty. The diamond is also quite a bit larger than I would have normally picked for myself. I feel a little uncomfortable with expensive things because I'm afraid that I am going to lose it or ruin it. But there wasn't any ring like it that was smaller and more affordable.
We ended up leaving it at the store that day, and I told him that it was too expensive. Princess Bride was saying 'I love it. I love it. I love it.' She was even let loose by too much alcohol, and I drunkenly told my girlfriends about this beautiful ring that I absolutely loved, but that was too expensive and I could never have.
Budget girl was more practical, "That is too much money. We can't afford it. We could buy a car with that kind of money."
That day I left the ring store and got ready from work, and as soon as I left our apartment, L raced back to the store and bought it. I guess I feel guilty because there wasn't even another ring that was in the running. All other rings were nice, but not me. So I feel like I didn't give him any other options, but this insanely expensive ring.
And I would have said yes if he'd taken my claddagh that I had been wearing as a promise ring of sorts and asked me with that. For those of you unfamiliar with the claddagh, here is a picture and a short history lesson:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
L and I have been building our lives together for the past 5 years, and we've been living together for the past 4. I can't imagine marrying someone that I haven't lived with. Nana probably hadn't spend any unsupervised time with her 'beau' before they were married. How can you really know someone if you've never seen any thing but what they show everyone else? No, perverts, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about a person's quirks and bad habits and grumps.
I know that L is a water sprite-whether he is washing the dishes, his hair or his hands its water, water, everywhere. I leave my socks everywhere. No, I actually leave everything everywhere and have a pessimistic view of house cleaning (its all just going to get dirty again anyways). L puts his dishes into the sink, it ends up filling with water from washing hands, getting water to drink, etc, and the dishes sit in the dirty water for days at a time. I leave cat vomit on the floor until it is hard enough to scrape off the floor so that I don't have to get cat bile on my fingers that has seeped through the paper towel.
None of these things are deal breakers, but I like the fact that I know that marriage isn't a 1950's sitcom. Real married life is about love, loyalty and trust, but it is also about laundry, cat vomit and dishes. Real life must have been quite the surprise to brides back then - I don't imagine they were warned very often about how hard it is to be married or to run a home or forgive or ask for forgiveness. It must have been unimaginably hard to be newlyweds back in the day. You'd be struggling to do all the housewifely things that I am not good at, as well as nuture this new relationship this is so different from the one that you use to have with your beau.
The L that I fell in love with wasn't the one that he showed everyone else. Now that I do know the real him, I can see it whenever I look at him, but at first it showed in the quiet spaces between outings, comfortable silences during long car rides and how comfortable I was doing absolutely nothing with him. He saw me through wild mood swings, nights when I drank too much and migraine headaches. I know that he will take care of me and I of him because we've already DONE that. I am so comforted to know that we've already seen hard times and weathered through them (university, depression, being fired from a job, poverty, parents divorce, drunkenly telling off divorced parent, etc).
It must have been exciting for brides from long ago to get married, but also terrifying. They didn't date as long as we do now. After 5 years, I think I would know if L had a drinking/ gambling/womanizing problem, but if they only had chaperoned meetings for 6 months they would have no idea. Talk about a rude awakening when you realize that your husband is womanizing alcoholic, you're pregnant and he's drinking you into the poor house. Terrifying.
I am so thankful that I live in a time that I can really get to know the person that I am going to marry before I promise to stand by him for the rest of my life. I am thankful that I feel secur in my love and life with him, and that I approach my wedding day with no fear of the unknown. Our future holds unknown and possibly dark possibilities but at least we know each other and know that we can weather the storm.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The real me is nervous. I have no reservations about being married to L, I'm worried about the PROCESS of marring him. When I picture us at the alter, I get that 'I'm going to pee my pants' feeling. Not because I'm afraid of being married, but because EVERYBODY WILL BE LOOKING AT ME. I have this crazy notion that I will say my vows wrong. (I will be repeating why the minister says-how can I screw it up?) I'm afraid I'm going to open my mouth and say purplemonkeydishwasher instead of what I'm supposed to say.
I realize that the whole point of the big white dress is to draw attention to myself. And I'm okay with that at the reception, but the ceremony freaks me out!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It may seem strange that I bought my shoes over a year before our wedding, but if you knew me and my feet you would understand. At 5''9' I am not abnormally tall, but my feet are a size 10-11, which is almost impossible to find. American stores seem to order the same number of sizes regardless of the % of people that have each size. Up here in the land of snow and ice, they seem to undersell the higher sizes. Finding a good deal? I'm possible. Finding a shoe that fits? Improbable. Especially because my feet are unusually narrow. (While I think I have very attractive feet, other people like to call them ski feet. Whatever. I should become a foot model and show them)
Here are the reasons why this is not the case for me:
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'm feeling very overwhelmed and not very excited about the up coming wedding. And then I feel bad. I've told L that it isn't the getting married or being married that has me feeling blah, but the fuss and the rigmarrol that I'm not excited about. Its times like these that I think we should have just eloped.
I'm worried that we've planned a wedding that we can't afford, or can just barely afford. L starts school 7 months after the wedding, so money has been weighing heavily on my mind. I've been trying to save money, but that leads to us never going out and doing something. Maybe a romantic dinner date chez moi is in order. I work nights/evenings, so I rarely see the sun, so maybe thats why I feel so craptastic. And, as always, that b@#% PMS has been harrassing me. L was kind enough to make me laugh by singing PM&S to the YMCA song. The human race has put men on the moon. Why can't they figure out the cure for PMS?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
And that's why these earrings make me happy. They give me some pearl, and they are down right awesome.
I usually don't wear big dangly earrings. I actually don't own a pair. And I do have pair of white gold and diamond earrings that L got me for christmas last year. I love them and I wear them whenever we get dressed up and go somewhere nice. I could wear them again...but I think I want something that is a little more costumey. Does that make sense? I want something a little more theatrical because there are not many days that I could get away with wearing big dangly pearl earrings. And they are $30.
The necklace that is the top contender is only that, a contender. I'm not 100% sold.
I like the close up on the necklace. It has pearls, but is not entirely pearls, and it has some sparkle. It is very pretty. The picture of it on the model doesn't sell it for me though. It is too sparkley. I don't want so much shine around my neck for pictures, and I don't know if the photographer could deal it. It is $60, which I don't think is that bad in the wedding world, but...I'm just not feeling it for that price. The neckline of my dress is strapless, pretty much straight across the top, and the bodice is quite busy: lace and crystals and ribbon. I think it might even be better to go necklace free, especially if my earrings are bigger.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I just try and keep in mind that I am probably the only one that is going to remember the invites and that these still fall within the feel we want for the wedding : simple, cheerful and fun. Do I REALLY care about the invites, or am I being sucked into the wedding hype that everything must be mindblowingly awesome? 'Cause we can't afford mindblowing!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
My friend S is wearing it. Ladies, if you are worried about having a bit of a tummy you should check this dress out. S was 4 months pregnant when she tried the dress on and you couldn't even tell.
The color is very similar to the first picture. The picture is mocha and the color I chose was bronze. I have the lady at the bridal store to thank for this decision, because i couldn't tell whether it would go with the hunter green and brown kilts that the groomsmen are wearing. I admit that it was a little out of my comfort range, but I'm loving it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
This last one is the most common napkin arrangement I've seen. I worked in a restaurant that had many wedding receptions, and this is how we did them. Its easy and takes very little time. Most of the servers would have made a pffftt sound if they'd been told to fold the napkins, tie a bow around them and then stick a flower under the bow.
But I kind of like the second one. How silly is that? Do my napkins really need treatment? I don't think so. Will I be thinking about it? Yes.
Monday, October 20, 2008
3.Riding Mountain National Park - we ended up camping in this very secluded, quiet campsite that was right on the lake. The only downside was the the lake had yucky leeches in it so I couldn't swim in it. Here is L manfully opening a can of soup. The grass ends and there is a 4 foot cliff, then the water.
4. Grand Beach - many a drunken work party was had at Grand Beach. Mayhem. Madness. Dancing in your underwear. Skinny dipping. Breakfast wine. Need I say more.
5. Steeprock - I used to camp there as a kid for months at a time. My family camped in a converted school bus, but the big kids on the block had a converted Greyhound bus. If I had to pick a favorite time and place it would be Steeprock circa 1990.
6. Duck Mountain Provincial Park - we camped there in the hippy van with sister in law C. We went hiking and walked around a beaver dam. It was kinda a trippy because the lake water was at eye level. Very cool.
7. White Hawk Lake - where we like to think we were almost eaten by bears, not our wild imaginations
We will put a couple of picture of us in these locations on the table car and a brief explanation of why it is one of our favorite nature places.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
What does this have to do with my wedding, you ask?
Well, during the exam when I should have been concentrating on grids and scatter radiation, I was thinking about what would happen if I failed:
1. I'd lose my job that I temporarily held during the month between clinical and the exam
2. Without said job I would find it very hard to pay the $700 sitting fee for the rewrite
3. My wedding would have to be downsized due to the lack of funds
4. My honeymoon would be cancelled
So...the wedding planning can go ahead, and honeymoon here we come!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
2. I can't even remember what prompted this orange disaster, but a disaster it was.
It was at this point that I came that I returned to my stylist. The only reason why I left was that I was in school and therefore broke. I turned to a cheaper hairdresser and then a box of dye. For those of you out there telling yourself that dying your hair can't be THAT hard, let me tell you, it is. Sure, I saved money with my box of dye initially, but then I had to pay my stylist to fix it.
I promised her I would never let another hairdresser touch my hair again. And she worked her magic:
Don't look at the scraggly ends (I need a trim) The color is perfect, no hint of green or orange in site.
I have pretty much chosen not to wear a veil. Not because I don't like them. I just would rather have awesome hair than an awesome veil. I plan to put some yellow orchids in my hair instead. I have to remind myself that less is sometimes more. Orchids and a veil and hairpins and a tiara would look a tad bit over done, don't you think? So after repeating 'less is more', 'less is more' I went with the flowers because what other day do you get to wear flowers in your hair? I guess the same could be said for the veil and the tiara, but the veil gets yanked on whenever people hug you and well, I'd feel silly even saying tiara. I tell L quite often that i'm not a princess. It may just be the word tiara that makes me feel silly because I saw this beautiful, ahem, head piece...
Friday, October 10, 2008
I think it is quite elegant, and (I'm 90% sure) the color would go well with the hunter green/brown kilt. If you read my last blog, you'll remember that I was going to go with brown because it is the safe bet. I know, I know, I am the queen of indecisiveland.
Another reason why the bridesmaid dresses stress me out is that I want the girls to be happy with what they are wearing. The contenders for bridesmaid dresses are on the low end of the price scale, but I still feel bad asking them to buy a dress that they will only wear once. I'd hate to have them spend all that money and feel like crap. At the very least, they should feel like they are strutting their hotness.
My poor future sister in law C has gone bridesmaid shopping with me 4 times and I'm going to ask her to go again with me at least one more time. Thank you C!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Now that's a lot of color. How am I supposed to match the bridesmaid dresses to that? And there is NO way that the ladies are wearing it. Do you hear me? NO WAY. After much discussion, we decided to further compromise. While I still didn't love the idea of L and his boys wearing kilts, I could accept it with more grace when I pictured them wearing a different tartan.
So we picked a more sedate brown/hunter green tartan. It will be easy to match. The obvious choice is brown. I have a hard time telling if colors go well together. I usually have to ask the retail people if skirt that i'm buying goes with the shirt. So trying to find a color to match the red to was kind of a nightmare. Brown is brown. It will go. But that leaves the wedding party kind of dreary. Brown. Green and brown. And our wedding is mid-may, so in not-so-sunny Manitoba there may not be many leaves on the trees. Which leaves us with what color? You guessed it. Brown.
Sigh. I love color. My closet is full of yellow and orange. Will the girls look good in brown? Yes. Will they match the tartan? With out a doubt. Am I excited about them? No.
Monday, October 6, 2008
These are my three favorite pictures:
(Pictures taken by Joseph Keith) Thanks Joseph!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The mirror is from EQ3, and is just lovely. It would also enable me to see what my outfit looks on me all at once, without having to go all the way down the hall to look at myself in the apartment hall mirror. (Its weird and awkward when your 70 year old neighbor catches you trying on your fancy shmancy cocktail dress and stillettos at 1 in the afternoon on a tuesday.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Our photographer is the Winnipeg based Joseph Keith, and we were very impressed with him. He provided direction, but wasn't overbearing, and was encouraging, but didn't sound like a cheerleader. He showed us a couple pictures that he'd taken of us off the digital camera, and we were happy with what we saw. I was thinking it would be like going to the gym-I don't like doing it, but I like to see the results. I wasn't expecting to actually enjoy the session.
L got the easy part. He usually sat/stood in position, and I was asked to lean this way and that, bend this knee, put hands here. I held an awkward lunge position with head tilt and trailing hand for 5 minutes. It may not seem that hard, but try doing it with a smile on your face. Not so easy.
I can hardly wait until we get the pictures back, and he said that he could have them back as soon as thursday. Thursday!!
I feel completely comfortable with him doing our wedding photography. More than comfortable, totally excited!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
L and I are hopefully doing our engagement photos this sunday coming up. I am alternately excited and afraid. I am not a photogenic person. I can not look into a camera and look normal. I look a)overexcited b)uncomfortable or c)dim witted. The flash almost always give me a squint eye. My future sister in law and I spend every christmas day taking pictures of the ourselves (you know the one where one of you is holding the camera and hoping that you both are in the camera's sites) and laughing at the results. We both have a squint eye; hers is the right, mine is the left.
I have high hopes for this photo session, and for all the photography for the wedding. Everyone has that one thing that they think is the most important thing for their wedding. For some people it is the dress, the food or the wine. For me, its all about the pictures. Its just unfortunate that L is just as unphotogenic as I am. L is as handsome as they come. And I'm am no ugly ducky myself. But put us together, and the unphotogenicness multiplies tenfold. It took us 16 tries to get a decent picture of the two of us this past christmas. And I'm not talking about the kind where one of us is holding the camera. We had someone acting as photographer, it took us 16 tries, and it was only DECENT. So I am afraid that I've set my expectations too high, and that I will end up disappointed.
I don't know how people can look into a camera an get pictures that fairly scream mysterious or sexy or radiant. Mysterious for me = perplexed. Sexy=dim witted. Radiant= well, normal dull skinned me. If I had to pick a super power, I'd pick the ability to give pictures that say something other than I have not slept in days'.
Take this picture by Hamed Saber (creative commons). The comments that were on the site that I found this on are about how striking this woman is. And I agree. She is striking. But what is it about her that is striking? I don't know. And that is what makes you want to look at the picture. It has something that you can't quite figure out. How do you do that?
Is it the photographer or the person photographed that gives people the sense that picture is not quite static, not just a piece of celluloid?
Okay, enough with the philosophical mumbo jumbo. How do we make sure we get some great pictures?!
Well, we went with a photographer who was very high energy, and had a similar philosophy as L and I. His portfolio was filled with people that looked liked they were having FUN. As we went through his portfolio he became excited and animated and I could imagine his excitement being contagious during his photo shoots. Maybe if L and I can forget about the process of taking a great picture and just enjoy ourselves our personality will shine through. At least I hope so.
And our lack of photogenic fiber is not even the only thing that stands in our way. We are taking our photo's at the Fort Whyte Center, which is a park/marsh setting. We want the trees to be changing colors, so that means that Sunday will not be picture day if the leaves are still mostly green. But the later we wait, the colder it may be, and I have my heart set on wearing this little black dress that I got in the spring and have yet not had a chance to wear. It seems like a strange combination but I like the contrast of the classy and elegant with the casual background. L plans on wearing a suit and having his shirt unbuttoned and no tie, and I'll be wearing black flats and plain straight hair. I hope this idea works as well in the real world as it does in my head.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
1. I don't want to bore all the people within a 3 meter radius with my wedding ramblings
2. I am already beginning to forget the details
I get giddy when I think about the details, and I could talk about the pro's and con's for the bridesmaid dresses in brown vs green for hours. I didn't think I'd be SO into planning the wedding, but I've been sucked into the vortex that is wedding planning. No. That's not right. I dove right in and I've been loving it.
The wedding vortex. Inviting. Fun. Important to remember to come up for air.
(creative commons - from fatcontroller)
But that still is no reason to bore my friends, family, coworkers, etc., with my hair debate (up or down? flowers or veil? curly or straight) or my centerpiece plans (drowned flower-over done? a bit. Awesome - you bet.) I realized that my wedding over share was in danger of reaching crisis levels when I was contemplating emailing my friends and family a picture of the wedding invitations we were planning on using. I could show them, or just mail them to them when we mail out all the invitations. They will see them eventually.
I just get so excited. So you'll get to see them, random internet people. Or nobody will see them. That's ok too. Just as long as I don't show them to people who will be receiving them in good time.
Most importantly, though, I want to have something that I can look back at and read to remind me of how wonderfully exciting and hectic that the entire experience has been. Because I will forget. I'm sad to admit that I can not remember the date we got engaged. I can only narrow it down to the end of August, and its only been a year. I don't won't to lose the details because the details are the best part.